oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
