apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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