Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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