Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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