in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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