I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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