I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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