i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
