I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
