Where are you?
In a non slutty way
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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