I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
