come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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