would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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