My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
