i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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