also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
