my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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