I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
