life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
