this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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