i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
