I wannas sexs uuuuu
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
