Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
