Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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