We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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