So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
