Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
