Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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