i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
