fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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