A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
