Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
