I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
