just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
