Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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