I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
