he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
