hotel room ftw
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have fence marks all over my body
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
