i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
