she woke up with a sticky ear
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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