Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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