Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
