i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
