Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
