How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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