She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
