Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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