I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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