I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
