did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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