my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
