I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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