a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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