oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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