I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I believe in your delicious
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
