i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
