I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
